Recent Study Makes A Breakthrough
by sweetangel4
Summary: This is just sillyness plain and simple, however at the same time it is the truth. I have posted this a while ago and took it off and now I'm reposting with 2 new categories to go along with the rest of it...SO ENJOY!


RECENT STUDY MAKES  
  
BREAKTHROUGH DISCOVERY  
  
  
  
by Adam Harris  
  
The Associated Press  
  
  
  
A recent study conducted at Middle Tennessee State University shows that in the past 4000-5000 years, a new subspecies of human has evolved. They are the ones who play musical instruments, and although they are still human, they have developed into their own subspecies. They are among us every day, and yet most of us don't even realize it. Scientists have given them the name Homo sapiens musicas. Since Homo sapiens means "Wise man," a more proper name might have been Homo non-sapiens musicas, "Not so wise musical man," but they thought this might offend those of the new subspecies. Anyway, scientists have categorized them by what instrument they play. The following are the results of this study:  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens piccolas - These folks tend to be as obnoxious as the instruments they play. Although most of them are actually flute players, some would like to be a separate category so we gave them one.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens flautos - These are usually the biggest whiners, and are always a problem and always out of tune. Even though they are great in number, scientists have estimated that if you add their IQ's together, you will get a negative number.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens clarinetos - Very interesting and very unpredictable, the clarinets are one of the most common types of the subspecies. They don't really have any one common thing about them, except for the fact that they all play an instrument that makes one of the most horrendous noises any instrument can make - which I like to call the death squawk.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens obos - This is a rare type, and little is known about them. Why do they always carry that little glass of water around with them?  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens saxofonas - This is perhaps the most diverse type, as it is further divided into Soprano, Alto, Tenor, and Baritone subgroups. Saxophone players have had a tradition of being the biggest troublemakers, like the instruments they play. Saxophones (the instruments) always fall apart, and continuously need a screw-turned-here or a pad-replaced-there.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens bassoonos - One of the oddest instruments around (sorta like the people who play them), bassoons always get made fun of. But really, doesn't it just look like a big hollow stick with holes in it? Why they pay for that, I don't know. Ask one of them some time.  
  
  
  
(Have we noticed yet the trend for the instrument and the instrumentalist to have the same characteristics?)  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens clarinetos bassos - A more rare type, these folks don't like to be called just regular clarinets. They have to be "special". As you can see these tend to be whiners like the flutes.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens trompetas - The trumpet is perhaps the most commonly played band instrument (well, maybe second to clarinets), and also the most famous - famous for being played by the most egotistical and lazy people on the face of the earth. But, on the brighter side, some of them are good people - good for being horribly out of tune half the time. Some of them are really nice - so nice that they empty their spit valves right in front of people just to make them sick.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens hornas francas - Not much is known about this type. When the scientists tried to reach them for comment, they were either too busy transposing or tuning every one of those stupid valves until it was just right.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens trombonos - Something very interesting that we did not expect happened when we were studying this type. We found that 9 out of every 10 trombone players have a dirty mind and/or a dirty mouth. I think the reason they made a trombone with a slide and not keys is that the trombone players were to stupid to figure it out. So they just made it where you make your arm goes back and forth.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens euphoniumos - The euphonium reminds me of a tuba that's just been sat on by a tuba-sized person. We don't really have much else to say.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens tubas - Tuba players are usually (like their instrument) really big. When you say "Don't mess with me, my best friend is a tuba player" that's generally a good warning to back off. Tubas also have the distinction of being (supposedly) the instrument that you tune to, so when you go really flat or sharp, everybody else gets blamed for it because they didn't change with you.  
  
  
  
All of the previous types were instruments that are in a typical band (or "wind ensemble", for those of you who want to sound professional). Now we will look at the less-known-about orchestra instruments.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens violinos - This is the most common type in the orchestra. There are more violins than anything else. The more, the better. Why? Because if you've ever heard one play by itself, it will make your face go :-O because you never knew something could sound so horrible (well, maybe a piccolo, but that's all).  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens violos - The viola is really just a bigger version of the violin, which makes some viola players think that they are better than the violins. I don't know where they got that idea, because all of the violas we studied seemed to be very, how do I put it...musically challenged.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens cellos - This is the third lowest stringed instrument in an orchestra. Nobody has ever told me why cello doesn't have an "h" in it. I guess the first cello players were so stupid that when they wrote the name of their instrument down on paper, they just forgot and it sorta stuck.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens bassos - Call it a string bass, bull bass, upright bass, double bass or just plain bass, this is the lowest instrument in the orchestra. You can easily make fun of a small bass player because they probably play an instrument that is far larger than themselves.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens harpos - This is the instrument that just doesn't fit with the other four stringed instruments. Thanks to these guys, we have an even bigger instrument to run into. Why couldn't they just be smaller?  
  
  
  
Now we will look at some types that just didn't fit anywhere else.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens commandoras del fieldo - Field commanders, a.k.a. drum majors, usually have the moronity of flute players, the arrogance and egos of trumpet players, and the lack of sense that is attributed to, of course, percussionists. They also usually think they can boss everybody around in real life because that's what they do on the field. Wouldn't it be really funny if one day one of them just fell off the stand?  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens pianos - Give these guys some credit, they have to practice hard and think about more than one thing at once. Which is probably why they are braindead and run into things all the time. If I were one of them, I would go and pick another instrument.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens percussiones - Need I say anything? This was by far the most interesting type we studied. Percussionists have always been and will always be the wildest bunch of folks in a band or orchestra. When they weren't hitting or beating on something, we interviewed them and found that they have no life.  
  
  
  
There are a few other very rare types we will only mention by name. These are the instruments that almost nobody plays. Here are a few of them: Homo sapiens piccolas D-flatos, Homo sapiens clarinetos A, Homo sapiens clarinetos E-flatos, Homo sapiens clarinetos contrabassos, Homo sapiens hornos ingles, Homo sapiens contrabassoonos, Homo sapiens saxafonas bassos, Homo sapiens trompetas pocketes, Homo sapiens trombonos bassos, Homo sapiens SANE PERCUSSIONIST, and Homo sapiens BAND DIRECTOR WITH A LIFE.  
  
  
  
So we researched and researched, and we thought we had all of the types. But then we found one more, one that you can't possibly have a band or orchestra without.  
  
  
  
Homo sapiens directores - Although some of them don't even play an instrument, you gotta have one of these. I'm talking about the band (or orchestra) director. Even though they don't technically fit into any category, they may very well be the biggest "band dorks" out there. While interviewing several of these, we found that most of them could tell what key the song playing on the radio was in. We also found that they had made more enemies than all the other instrumentalists combined.  
  
  
  
The study of the behavior of this new subspecies will be continued. So far we think they are harmless to us "normal" people. Maybe someday we will understand their strange behaviors such as why they sit down and play their instrument for hours or why they think we are so weird. For now, we must be patient and go with what we know. We know that this new subspecies is totally inferior and harmless to us, unless the use their instruments as weapons. I wonder though. Maybe they are really on a higher level than us and they're just hiding it......Naaah. Just remember: What does music have to do with crossing the road? If you don't C#, you'll Bb.  
  
I know this is a re-post bc for some reason it got deleted and I don't know why anyways there are a 2 new ones for those who requested. One of them is one that I realized wasn't on there but anyways thank u for your time and review and the reviews will be forwarded to my friend who wrote this. Adam. Anywho. Au revoir. 


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